1_14_2012 Thoughts and Ferne comes Home

My last post is so not reflective of how things have been here. I noted Ferne's passing but what wasn't clear was the heart break it's caused me. He was my baby.

The first time I saw him was in his egg. Through a technique called candling (a candle is not involved) I could see him developing in his egg. It was right them I started loving him.

His parents were first time parents, and like many first-time moms, Lilac stopped caring for Ferne when he was only days old. So I took him out of the nest and raised him myself. This was before his eyes were open. Before he could hold himself up. Before his ears opened. Before his bill had formed.



I was there when his eyes first opened. (And I was with him when they last closed). The first photos is of Ferne at 11 days old. His bright happy eyes and smile were already apparent - even before he grew any feathers. Here he was learning to stand and walk. He'd toddle around. Beautiful.

He was the most polite, gentle, happy and loving bird. Each parrot is completely different. They can be rascals and test patience. Or be loud. Or destructive. But Ferne was just a gentle, quiet loving boy. He was a delicate eater and so thoughtful (except when it came to warm tea - he wasn't as sharing about that). He never deviated from this sweet self.

This period has shown me that we are really no different than apes or other animals. It's because the words we have to express our feelings are so blunt and flat and unable to *really* express our feelings.

Ferne was cremated on January 3rd and came home on January 5th. I am so happy to have his remains home. I want very much to believe his soul is here too. Not knowing where *he* is has been a terribly hard part of this.

The other birds are confused. Clover is stunned. Gabbie is angry. He has been searching for Ferne and is just angry he can't find him. Grace is her normal quiet little self. And Henri - well it's breeding season here so all he wants is to do mating dances for me. He's very Henri.

Thanks to all our friends who sent cards and flowers and emails and donations to humane societies. They really do mean a lot. And they make me realize that I had no idea in the past how to deal with folks suffering losses like this. I'm sorry if I've ever appeared uncaring before. I wasn't, I just didn't know how to handle it.

Some additional thoughts.

1. Don't stop mentioning Ferne's name or talking about him. A great fear his death reveals is forgetting about him. I don't want to forget his sounds, his smells, his actions - nothing. I love hearing his name and I want the stories and photos and thoughts. They are priceless to me, and while you might see tears, there is great happiness in them. And it shows he's remembered.

2. Take photos. I immediately gathered up all my photos of Ferne and have them in one place. Yeah, I cry when I look at them, but I also smile and have joy seeing him. I have a lot of photos, but I wish I had more. Taking photos is so easy now - don't forget to do it.

3. AND take photos of you with your loved ones. I am shocked that I have only a handful of me with Ferne. I was always taking photos of him, not us. I regret not doing it more.

4. AND take videos. I have only two from 17.5 years. Two. One is on Dave's camera (I'll get it posted soon). The other is of him as an infant on a VHS tape and I'm waiting for Dave to convert it. I'm too afraid to put it in the VHS machine for fear it'll eat the tape and it'll be lost forever. Having only two videos in all that time is inexcusable and another regret.

I am still trying to find the photo album of Ferne as an infant. It is also where his egg shell is (yes, like his first feathers, and the last feathers he molted, I have these things). I want to put his shell and feathers with his remains. I'll post more photos later.

I'll try to get back on track posting some blogs. It's been hard finding energy to do that (or much) though. Thank goodness Dave has been here for this. He did all the heavy lifting during this time. I've not been able to much.

I'm so thankful I've been sick and grounded since July. It's been frustrating, but think about it - if I'd been well, I would have been gone on the bike, climbing and playing. Instead, I've spent so much more time with the birds here at the house. To have this time with Ferne (and the others) during the last 5-6 months of his life is a great gift.

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